Humor while we wait... (foul language, maybe NSFW)

[privateatty]

George Carlin One-Liners:

"If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose? "

[morgullord]

Signs seen in different places:

Dresses for street walking.
Outside a Paris dress shop

Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Leipzig Elevator

Drop your trousers here for best results.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's

For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self- service.
In a Hong Kong supermarket

It is not allow in the hotel room for guest participating in Illicit Arts, banging of firecrackers,
gambling and wrestling.
Hotel Jincheng (Shenyang, China)

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge

Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop

Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the Menu of a Swiss Restaurant

Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a Paris Hotel Elevator

Please to bathe inside the tub.
In a Japanese Hotel Room

Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger;
roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
On the Menu of a Polish Hotel

The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Yugoslavian Hotel

The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Bucharest Hotel Lobby

To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Belgrade Hotel Elevator

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Hotel in Athens

We take your bags and send them in all directions.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office.

Would you like to ride on your own ass?
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand.

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese Hotel

You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In the Lobby of a Moscow Hotel Across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery

[chieftain]

My small contribution to the hilarity:

If you ever watched the original Hollywood Squares TV show, you might enjoy these.

1) If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

2) True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...

3) You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

4) According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

5) Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

6) In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

7) What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.

As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

9) Paul, why do ****'s Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

10) Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

11) In bowling, what's a perfect score?
Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

12) It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

13) During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

14) Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

15) When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

16) If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

17) According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army!

1 Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
Paul Lynde: Why, that *****!

19) While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?
George Goebel: Cattle crossing.

20) It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

21) Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
Charley Weaver: A divorcée.

22) Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
George Gobel: Get it into his mouth.

23) Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.

24) Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

25) When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

26) James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

27) Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
Charley Weaver: His feet.

2 Do female frogs croak?
Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

[aaa]

All this waiting is killing me and as one of my former instructors would say, I don't even have a dog in this fight! This is almost worse than waiting for my offer last year!

I'm sending many thoughts of peace and contentment everyone's way. I am in supplemental training next week so probably won't have access to the board very often if offers start next week. Good news is that Judge Cristaudo will be there sometime next week, I hope, so maybe we can ask him when.

Good luck!